Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Crash 1 - Family Research Council: "What to Expect When No One's Expecting" - 12pm

To begin my epic journey across the bizarre world of DC panel events and lectures in search of free food and hilarity, I headed to the Family Research Council's lunchtime lecture, "What to Expect When No One's Expecting." My background is in international relations, and I'm not a lunatic, so I'd never been to the FRC before. You might say, I had no idea what to expect! I can't believe that's my first joke. I'm so sorry.

I'd actually hoped to make my first post next week about the Center for American Progress' event, "Hunger, Obesity, and Food Literacy in the United States". It seems ripe for meta ironic jokes about the unhealthy food spread and how it must be super awkward for the fat people in attendance. But I'll be out of town next week, so instead I ventured into the HILARIOUS world of conservative Christian activist groups, known for their outrageous happy hours, partyish office culture, and now by me for their shitty food spreads.

I showed up nine minutes late to this thing. Nine. And this is the first thing I saw. Absolute fucking joke:

Maybe a few less tubs of mayonaise and a couple more sandwiches next time guys. This pissed me off, obviously. That's kind of the point of this whole blog. It also pissed me off because I was really hungover and starving. Unless I wanted to rip a mustard shot or blow a line of Splenda though, I wasnt getting any free food. In retrospect, I guess you shouldn't go to an extreme conservative group expecting free handouts, am I right?!

To make it worse, when I approached the door to the event a guy came out and asked if I was there for the lecture. Then when I said yes,, he asked me to come with him to help carry some more chairs! I literally had to follow this guy into another room and hump a stack of chairs!! I'm here for free food brother, not to provide you free labor. As if I needed another reason to think the FRC is the worst. And where are your fucking interns? Well when I walked in and saw him, I understood.

There were two interns on duty at this thing, and I can say without reservation, that the guy standing up in this picture was the most remarkably suave, handsome, well-dressed intern I've ever seen. Not an ounce of awkwardness in this guy. His sideburns alone were a clear statement that he wasn't about to carry any chairs. Had there been a woman under the age of 73 at this thing, he would have cleaned up:
Then there was his unfortunate colleague, the nerdy A/V kid in the box with the headset. The body language tells you everything you need to know: 100% chance the he's getting his lunch money taken. When he got his internship at FRC you know he was thinking he had it made: He'd be the youngest, best looking guy in the building, and he'd know how to operate the Internet, making him the BMOC for the first time since the 1997 Magic The Gathering championships. Then he shows up and realizes he's competing against Dylan from 90210:

Devastating. Ever since, they've kept this kid locked up in the sound booth while Dylan eats his lunch and gets to be a boss, swaggering around with the mic taking questions from the hot interns from the Heritage Foundation (Heritage Hotties?? TM).

This wasn't actually a panel, but a lecture by this guy who looked and sounded like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and dressed like Dwight Schrute:

Best Audience Member:
No contest. This dude in front of me with the leather vest over his button down:
Totally hammed it up when he caught me taking a picture of him too, then pwned me by rubbing all his free food in my face. Touche sir:

Substantive Highlights:
Allow me to briefly summarize this lecture: Everything we know about demographics is wrong. The world's population isn't growing at an unsustainable rate, we're making fewer babies than we need, and this very conveniently supports just about every conservative talking point. Entitlements make people live longer so there are too many old people. Taxes are too high so people cant afford kids. Everybody is having abortions, co-habitating too early and getting married too late, so there are no babies. Nevertheless, there's nothing government can do, obviously. Only more religion can solve this problem you guys, so get out of the abortion clinic, get your ass in church, and start making babies! (Not in church though, and only if you're straight and married). And no, this has nothing to do with evolution because that's made up.

The real highlight of the event though was all the sexual innuendo this guy used when talking about different government attempts in other countries to encourage and incentivize people to have more kids. The crowd REALLY got a kick out of it. When the speaker said that Vladimir Putin was trying to get people to "make boom-boom for the motherland", the place went fucking NUTS! I thought the old guy next to me was gonna stroke out from laughter for sure. Do you get it?? Boom-boom! It means sex, you guys. Hilarious.

Another great quote, in case you hadn't heard, was that "famine has been eradicated" and therefore can't be to blame for low birth rates. Great news, right?! Quit your whining and start making babies Somalia!



  1. Sir -

    I do admire this venture of yours. This looks to be the start of a beautiful thing.

  2. You are hilarious. Keep this up. Pure comedy gold.

  3. Thanks Gentlemen. Will be back at it on Thursday after a week out of town for w wedding. Keep reading and tell your friends.

  4. Hey there, if you're looking for a resource to find more luncheons and panels to attend... Subscribe to the Foreign Policy Initiative daily brief. They list all the upcoming events at the end.

  5. Good lord the Suave Intern is fine. I volunteer to make some babies with him and solve most of their problems...

    Creepiest internet comment I've made in my life, but dayuuum.

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