tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58783927123348145172024-03-05T02:06:55.454-08:00 THE PANEL CRASHERFree food. Awkward interns. Zero substantive analysis: A recently unemployed DC guy's cowardly quest to get free meals and make fun of stuff at Washington panel events.Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878392712334814517.post-63556550083072217662013-04-26T15:05:00.002-07:002013-04-26T15:11:27.933-07:00Crash 6 - Center for a New American Security: "A Conversation with Senator John S. McCain"I have two very good reasons for the delay in posting this. The first was the Boston manhunt. We could have used a Bruce Willis character, but it wasn't really time for a Bruce Willis<i> joke</i>. Secondly, and <i>equally </i>crazy/scary/stressful, for all of America, was my first meeting with my girlfriend's family. "So what do you do" has become a toughie these days... <i>"Glad you asked sir. You see I've actually created an anonymous internet identity for myself, under which I mooch from Washington's most respected scholars and research institutes. Then I make fun of them and compare them to 90210 characters on the internet. Profitable? What part of free sandwiches was unclear? But enough about me. I hear you went to Yale? That must of been an experience..."</i><br />
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How did it go? Well, over the course of dinner, both of my girlfriend's parents created their first Twitter accounts. Literally at the dinner table. Then they started following @PanelCrasher. They follow only me.... or rather, only my weird secret internet identity. So yes, they are awesome (hey guys!). On to the boner jokes?<br />
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Despite the manhunt/parental visit, I still made it over the The Willard Hotel last Wednesday for a luncheon event hosted by the Center for a New American Security called "A Conversation with Senator John S. McCain". Twas a fancy affair with a fancy lunch in a fancy conference room in a fancy hotel. After lunch, McCain gave a speech on the future of U.S. foreign policy and the Republican party. Here he is in this terrible picture:<br />
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I'll briefly sum up the substance of this speech, which you've probably already <a href="http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2013/04/18/john_mccain_foreign_policy_republicans_democrats_barack_obama" target="_blank">read about on real websites</a>:<br />
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McCain was the man though, his speech was legitimately interesting, and he made a bunch of great jokes. He's exactly like Joe Biden with the added ability of not being a super creepy loose cannon. During a series of jokes about low congressional approval ratings for example, which I assumed would suck, he mentioned that he saw a poll where people ranked Congress two points below a colonoscopy. He added that "as an older man of some experience, that's quite remarkable!" Big laugh from the old boys in the room I'll tell ya.</div>
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Politics aside, any time you’re a senior Senator, war hero, former presidential candidate, and you can bring the house down with a reference to the time you had a camera shoved up your butt? You're good in my book.</div>
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He also referred to himself as an "old wacko bird" at one point. Not sure what that is, but it made me giggle.</div>
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<b>Food</b></div>
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This was a <i>very</i> classy affair. The tables were formally set with white table cloths, nice china, and <i>lots </i>of different forks. So many forks. CNAS provided a plated hot lunch served by a formally dressed Willard wait staff. The whole thing was basically this:</div>
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Just to clarify that reference, I'm Leo, obviously.</div>
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Lunch was a very nicely roasted chicken breast with bread rolls and a sort of greek/caesar salad mix. A Greco-Roman Salad, if you will, without the pedophilia. Ice tea, water, and coffee were served as well, and the Willard folks were pretty on point with refills. Lastly, in the middle of the table was a delightful little spread of cookies, brownies, pastries, and lemon bars! This picture captures the general ballerness of it all:</div>
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Also, fancy printed menus like at weddings. Tight.</div>
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<b>Audience</b></div>
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When I walked in, my first observation was that I was the only guy not in a suit or a military dress uniform. I went business casual. Shit:</div>
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I was feeling pretty obvious and out of place milling around awkwardly...until this guy walked in:</div>
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First question. Why is the Indian Guy from The Royal Tenenbaums at a Republican foreign policy luncheon? </div>
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Second question: Why does he exclusively wear red pants with no belt and a poofy white shirt? </div>
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Answer, based exclusively on googling "red pants": He is either in a boy band or a Twilight movie:</div>
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One Direction red pants!</div>
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Jonas red pants!</div>
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R-PATS RED PANTS!!!!!!</div>
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Red pants are in guys. You heard it here first.</div>
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What's really driving me insane is that I've seen this guy before. I can't remember where, but he was wearing the <i>exact </i>same outfit. This made me suspect that our friend, who I'll call Robert Redpants, is a professional crasher. I was right. Before McCain even <i>arrived</i>, Robbie stuffed as much Greco-Roman as he could in his mouth (that's what he/she said), shook hands with his tablemates, picked up his red canvas shopping bag full of magical trinkets, and walked out. So shameless that no one questioned it. Amazing.</div>
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As for my table mates, I lucked out. Round tables are bad news for me because it forces conversation. I sat at a table by myself, but was soon surrounded by three big guys in suites. One was a DEA agent, one was with the World Bank, and the other was from somewhere with the word "strategic" in it. My fears were briefly allayed when without so much as an introduction, we all got tucked in to the free lunch. Men, you see.</div>
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Then <i>she </i>showed up. State Department girl with two first names. Lets call her Susan Ashley, AKA Captain Enthusiasm. Susan Ashley went around to each of us and REALLY enthusiastically introduced herself and her affiliation: "Hi! Susan Ashley with the State Department! Hi nice to meet you I'm Susan Ashley with the State Department! How are you? Susan Ashley with the State Department! Susan Ashley with State!" Um, we're all literally sitting next to each other here. We had it the first time.</div>
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Now I figured I'd get out ahead of things because Susan was going to force conversation on us, so I asked the DEA guy whether he was affiliated with CNAS, or some other question I didn't really care about. He barely looks up from his meal: "No man, they just have awesome free lunches." This kicked off series of enthusiastic nods and agreements from the other two fellas. One added something like "Yea the food's great, and you know, McCain is an important guy I guess." These guys are my new best friends. Best table ever. Best meal yet.</div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878392712334814517.post-19000425532139758572013-04-16T22:07:00.002-07:002013-04-18T07:46:51.770-07:00Crash 5 - U.S. House of Representatives: "Annual Taco Bell Congressional Reception"After a pretty lame lunch panel at the Hudson Institute (I know, last post was kinda weak), I got a tip from my buddy on the Hill that the annual Taco Bell Congressional Reception was going down in the Longworth Cafeteria. I know it's not technically a panel, but whatever. "The Panel/Reception/Mixer/Event Crasher" didn't have much of a ring to it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOv8buFS166kPiHAvNLtsr88PLOlNglRT_608tZTBEM4I2PG8PzDolqQTypaauDERYIHLgDsT2mL0iWdoe4J74snIArur5LsT4hity5cjPw-n3oZAb0lJR3H0-zquDoat3NFtU0IXkxhGZ/s1600/IMG_1563.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOv8buFS166kPiHAvNLtsr88PLOlNglRT_608tZTBEM4I2PG8PzDolqQTypaauDERYIHLgDsT2mL0iWdoe4J74snIArur5LsT4hity5cjPw-n3oZAb0lJR3H0-zquDoat3NFtU0IXkxhGZ/s320/IMG_1563.PNG" width="213" /></a></div>
I remembered this event from my days as a staffer. It's basically an all-you-can-eat Taco Bell buffet with free beer and wine. Never are so many free chalupas and beers together with so few stoned people. I hoped to snag a few beers and tacos while getting in some needed laughs after the Hudson snooze fest. Here's the scene:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFLu0ZVJcsVpt_6pvDSBcnI91ivVHKa2zRSZn8toc-ZyigmiWQX7K5ZwO-5emVLD1Bm6CNEdy1QzNEReHjY6zdWk80CVCcPkvFT3NVm3aqHNRHafnRqXeHB9fXjMGuMuaEn-807Jp6K1uK/s1600/Taco+Crowd.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFLu0ZVJcsVpt_6pvDSBcnI91ivVHKa2zRSZn8toc-ZyigmiWQX7K5ZwO-5emVLD1Bm6CNEdy1QzNEReHjY6zdWk80CVCcPkvFT3NVm3aqHNRHafnRqXeHB9fXjMGuMuaEn-807Jp6K1uK/s640/Taco+Crowd.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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There were at least five bars set up like this, with free beer and wine:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_PfHEU312ZMobL_BeoUJF5Ox8kJXWwd2yqJ6j-S_9GeBUDr_-kmyqFDX4K3zhzInezlsDMG9IRIS-mginskwRyZ14FtClRkYWZJDHg6z1DaantfGaLFYkk8PmFf98e_B_uX6Mtbay3YOC/s1600/IMG_1553.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="474" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_PfHEU312ZMobL_BeoUJF5Ox8kJXWwd2yqJ6j-S_9GeBUDr_-kmyqFDX4K3zhzInezlsDMG9IRIS-mginskwRyZ14FtClRkYWZJDHg6z1DaantfGaLFYkk8PmFf98e_B_uX6Mtbay3YOC/s640/IMG_1553.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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I couldn't get within 50 yards of a food stand unfortunately because the lines were so long. No biggie, because if I'm honest, I don't love Taco Bell. There, I said it. So instead of waiting, I sipped a couple beers <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fAH4A2quTM" target="_blank">by the bar and put out the vibe</a> :</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPpHHlsqCHFy9MP3ugO4Lq1Kne_csO8_CJ0r4YTiBcWTjUc4ci3GKH9WXxC1F7VLH9Tk51b0GwS5Fhu0afhQnDFAd3pGS45IGt0SA7XtKklrd6uYXegy79NGmZAe5dTZKdZ9-PKAV_7WGO/s1600/Bar+vibe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPpHHlsqCHFy9MP3ugO4Lq1Kne_csO8_CJ0r4YTiBcWTjUc4ci3GKH9WXxC1F7VLH9Tk51b0GwS5Fhu0afhQnDFAd3pGS45IGt0SA7XtKklrd6uYXegy79NGmZAe5dTZKdZ9-PKAV_7WGO/s320/Bar+vibe.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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(Artists rendition)</div>
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That's when I saw this guy. He's taking no chances and making sure he gets his share by bringing a legit bankers box to stuff full of free tacos. He's either the office hero, or the annoying intern who was forced to hump Crunchwrap Supremes for staff:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfSHONZrx1HrkOPcjSTvlkUbwmc-n73-vqD7Tt2OUnJ6PDAdFKHzogkboOEyMyWpBKLxiOmkbvfYf2pc6hxLF6lyYr0nRfBRtgqUfNusGl2oDGCL3U8xcfKjmD1DFd40alyJT-NQEiR7YK/s1600/IMG_1556.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfSHONZrx1HrkOPcjSTvlkUbwmc-n73-vqD7Tt2OUnJ6PDAdFKHzogkboOEyMyWpBKLxiOmkbvfYf2pc6hxLF6lyYr0nRfBRtgqUfNusGl2oDGCL3U8xcfKjmD1DFd40alyJT-NQEiR7YK/s640/IMG_1556.jpg" width="474" /></a></div>
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One guy who was unquestionably an intern, was this guy:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1i5ul0kyjiAu0nl-G9nd90iwhVGepF_42QOW1a3v18qDcu61pXsPKqLKRS8vI5wc55lS7ADLEIOGgTrleQh52pvjodd9iOKqddSdnTZCkYhMkMXTDsIy9EHLgz_roxrrXvCkOPxrBvyWU/s1600/d-bag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1i5ul0kyjiAu0nl-G9nd90iwhVGepF_42QOW1a3v18qDcu61pXsPKqLKRS8vI5wc55lS7ADLEIOGgTrleQh52pvjodd9iOKqddSdnTZCkYhMkMXTDsIy9EHLgz_roxrrXvCkOPxrBvyWU/s640/d-bag.jpg" width="394" /></a></div>
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Three things give this kid away. First, he's wearing a bow tie. Only interns and d-bags wear bow ties, so this guy is one or the other. Probably both:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKV3iU6vHVqYmBhNcKOH6HAbo1ewY-ph7rDX_QPtdZGOicwV1QoYvZAXmjBEtbOunfdlzHutgCMxG0jwRUufdOQeOrhDCGA6ybRBr5c4Aqzm8xThjYyoAi6GIcZw1W5kjk1402Ub392qQ0/s1600/IMG_1557.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKV3iU6vHVqYmBhNcKOH6HAbo1ewY-ph7rDX_QPtdZGOicwV1QoYvZAXmjBEtbOunfdlzHutgCMxG0jwRUufdOQeOrhDCGA6ybRBr5c4Aqzm8xThjYyoAi6GIcZw1W5kjk1402Ub392qQ0/s320/IMG_1557.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Second, he's pulling the classic flipped badge maneuver to hide the fact that he has a red intern badge. I used to pull the same thing. I get it. No one wants to be seen wearing the DC scarlet letter. What most interns realize however, is that the backs of the intern and staff badges look exactly the same. If you adjust it to make it look like it just <i>accidentally </i>flipped over, it doesn't immediately signal that you're really unimportant. Except that it does, because the badges never just accidentally flip over. So this is only slightly less obvious than hanging your red badge out for all to see: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKt-lHm5ffNiXP2nKXv_TL09dLqN6NQhk2xMVfDQDsgCsztWeETuWzG79R9QlvEjMPVTBDD-vTH8-Xliiu2dn39HdaSbJpqIs1mukIdE90RROHp7cTLPpfubORoqpN49lsykOh4MP13YQI/s1600/d-bag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKt-lHm5ffNiXP2nKXv_TL09dLqN6NQhk2xMVfDQDsgCsztWeETuWzG79R9QlvEjMPVTBDD-vTH8-Xliiu2dn39HdaSbJpqIs1mukIdE90RROHp7cTLPpfubORoqpN49lsykOh4MP13YQI/s320/d-bag.jpg" width="246" /></a></div>
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That brings me to the third giveaway: his badge placement. Sorry kid, but no legitimate paid staffer, in the history of the United States Congress, has EVER warn his badge on his jacket pocket. It's just a 100% indicator that you're trying way to hard and are way too impressed with yourself. It goes on your belt or in your pocket. End of discussion. Now go grab me some bin candy from the deli.</div>
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On the other end of the spectrum was the lone Capitol Police officer getting in on the action. I always wondered why they didn't take advantage of stuff like this more often. There's probably some sort of unwritten rule about it, so I respect this guy for breaking through the blue wall and doing the right thing:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXKdLm9UEtEK0Hu2Aw9PiHbLp5Z6UueYyeGrojHyOhpUtQx_8ExAG5yPuxMhCKOq2XtEgntkwaW9i04ukzD1mxnHyIBuIrhrCCsvkVCGe_DpMTJ4Gc0x9K0B1s9aOBc2pmggFMRLZ6drui/s1600/IMG_1554.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXKdLm9UEtEK0Hu2Aw9PiHbLp5Z6UueYyeGrojHyOhpUtQx_8ExAG5yPuxMhCKOq2XtEgntkwaW9i04ukzD1mxnHyIBuIrhrCCsvkVCGe_DpMTJ4Gc0x9K0B1s9aOBc2pmggFMRLZ6drui/s320/IMG_1554.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Similarly, I'd like to give a shout out to these Architect of the Capitol employees:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh61GztzuEb3e6JUq0CJ7WR3QYEGB-fAVhQLgZtfZWIBzDwJlyB2q5JGcmN8K9CF3Az2CfxR6hu92t9W7CNlG6lEqELczsEle5C26gRDOFg40XJ80NQnNJb86fw-Aeezkgf8asieVV4EgL/s1600/IMG_1560.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="474" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh61GztzuEb3e6JUq0CJ7WR3QYEGB-fAVhQLgZtfZWIBzDwJlyB2q5JGcmN8K9CF3Az2CfxR6hu92t9W7CNlG6lEqELczsEle5C26gRDOFg40XJ80NQnNJb86fw-Aeezkgf8asieVV4EgL/s640/IMG_1560.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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They were not holding back when it came to the free bar. Nope, just crushing beers in full uniform. Like their law enforcement counterparts, these folks work hard and behind the scenes to keep the things running safely in the Capitol, and they also dont always get the same perks available to staffers. So it was nice to see them get after it. What I respect even more though, and what this picture fails to fully capture, is that two of the guys are wearing matching headgear. One is in a Suns flat brim, the other in a Cavs flat brim, both of which are 100% color coordinated. THAT is how you accessorize on the Hill Bow Tie Boy. Take notes.</div>
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UPDATE!!!! Thanks to an anonymous tipster who apparently showed my AOTC friends this post at yesterday's Outback Steakhouse Reception, we have a better pic. First of all, back to back receptions! Word. Second, I'm told they dug the blog, which warms the cockles of my heart. The tipster also provided this far superior picture. They're in uniform and had name tags, so I blurred those out with their faces just in case they have any rules about using the logo or something. Now feast your eyes on their flat brim game. Fantastic:</div>
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Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878392712334814517.post-49598104155469716152013-04-16T20:01:00.003-07:002013-04-16T21:08:59.402-07:00Crash 4 - The Hudson Institute: "The Charitable Tax Deduction and the American Political Order"I got back out on the panel circuit today and hit The Hudson Institute. This was the smoothest of my crashes so far but also the most comedically uninteresting. I really wanted to go to CAP's event, "Politics and Sexism: Don't Turn the Other Cheek," because, haha, sex.......and cheeks. Haha.<br />
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Sorry.<br />
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I've already crashed CAP though, so that wouldn't have been fair. And with the media FIRESTORM that's centered around this blog recently, I need to keep people guessing. Speaking of which, the recent<a href="http://dcist.com/2013/04/panel_crasher_trying_to_eat_for_fre.php" target="_blank"> DCist article</a> about me has ignited quite the intense/bizarre/hilarious debate in the comment section that is pretty much the only thing anyone ever needs to read to understand DC. There's some real good stuff from commenters like Ethan Miller here:<br />
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The blog isn't written that well though and is mostly filled with comments about how Interns dress. </div>
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Thanks for chiming in Ethan. Nailed it on content. As for the bad writing, next time I'm looking for some tips from a pale-faced internet hipster in a felt bowler hat and ironic curly mustache, I'll be sure to give you a shout:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgrvim1HL_76us4wCcSrrvXuKkdsc2-5_RWcWHCE-fvf_g0bNm5A4yvBKRTgrJrA9LnFbFeXy-54ruNp1K0mpS06k2H1LRZCq9id0dj6NlnYzeh-Lbxkh7UgzmfpeiE5UDj8Nq326nqoEN/s1600/ethan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgrvim1HL_76us4wCcSrrvXuKkdsc2-5_RWcWHCE-fvf_g0bNm5A4yvBKRTgrJrA9LnFbFeXy-54ruNp1K0mpS06k2H1LRZCq9id0dj6NlnYzeh-Lbxkh7UgzmfpeiE5UDj8Nq326nqoEN/s320/ethan.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Maybe one day we can grab a couple DC Braus at Looking Glass Lounge, discuss MLA citations, and lament how ska music never got a fair shake.<br />
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Other commenters went in a different direction, getting super butthurt about the state of entitlement culture, or non-profits....or something:<br />
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<a href="http://disqus.com/google-e85cd83f3882480ba0b1be00955f9993/" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; color: red; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><img alt="" class="" src="http://mediacdn.disqus.com/uploads/users/900/3805/avatar32.jpg?1366120524" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-left-radius: 3px; border-bottom-right-radius: 3px; border-top-left-radius: 3px; border-top-right-radius: 3px; border: none; font-size: 12px; height: 36px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 36px;" /></a></div>
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<span class="dsq-commenter-name" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 700; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">sgtted</span><a class="dsq-collapse-toggle dsq-collapse" href="http://dcist.com/2013/04/panel_crasher_trying_to_eat_for_fre.php#" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #666666; display: block; font-size: 12px; height: 12px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 4px; position: absolute; right: 6px; top: 8px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 11px;" title="Collapse thread"><span style="background-image: url(http://mediacdn.disqus.com/1366068769/images/themes/houdini/icons-sprite.png); background-position: -235px -12px; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; display: block; font-size: 12px; height: 12px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-indent: -9999em; vertical-align: baseline; width: 11px;">Collapse</span></a></div>
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Non-profit leeches leech. It doesn't matter what education or income level. This is a demonstration of it. "Non-profit" is a tax dodge that allows lots of people to skim off of the gravy train of tax money that goes out to all the overeducated, overpaid strap-hangers that populate these greedhead organizations. He is just miffed that he got cut off the teat and goes back to what he knows: being a leech of donation money.</div>
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I just hope 'sgtted' is Ted Nugent. I also hope to successfully incorporate the word "greedhead" into my vocabulary and to use the words "miffed" and "teat" in the same sentence as often as possible.<br />
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Anyway, the panel:<br />
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<b>Food</b><br />
Fantastic and plentiful food spread. The sandwich selection was on par with CAP, but accompanied by more diverse dessert and drink selections. They also had large bowls of Greek salad, which was an unusual and appreciated side:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9qiI-a99764SeVkjYAKmh0zotWrdk0b6bbFiGgxNdBLKL9RfemgSZMBOiD5MgD1wT0FpEmT_VHkFK6dmlVK83N_l_zg1RMODQJJBjySVz7Va9FyiX-v6NzivJnhdTlANYjPVR2HEU8G_d/s1600/Salad.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9qiI-a99764SeVkjYAKmh0zotWrdk0b6bbFiGgxNdBLKL9RfemgSZMBOiD5MgD1wT0FpEmT_VHkFK6dmlVK83N_l_zg1RMODQJJBjySVz7Va9FyiX-v6NzivJnhdTlANYjPVR2HEU8G_d/s320/Salad.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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You don't see a lot of vegetable options at these things usually. I'm no health nut, but I'm sure I don't need to tell any of you guys what happens when you dont eat your green vegetables but spend a lot of time sitting down. Do I? It's hemorrhoids guys. Hemorrhoids, AKA the trench foot of the panel crashing community. No bueno. Eat your greens.<br />
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Moving on.<br />
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In addition to the salad, another nice touch was that they posted large signs above each of the sandwich trays, labeling them by content.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLNIS-lAamsQCWzKU1E4cK4DkMv_y_dAR4k_ofmAffU7UJ-mm3hZaDdcrkipXRZL4oahEo5MHnMlCf3kuVgTXSIH01n8brow6rTAGK3GY6Bit8-XnppSYBx2R4dNo6RhKy6wtJ1q-AKGSl/s1600/Salad+Labels.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLNIS-lAamsQCWzKU1E4cK4DkMv_y_dAR4k_ofmAffU7UJ-mm3hZaDdcrkipXRZL4oahEo5MHnMlCf3kuVgTXSIH01n8brow6rTAGK3GY6Bit8-XnppSYBx2R4dNo6RhKy6wtJ1q-AKGSl/s320/Salad+Labels.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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This may seem unnecessary, but I can't tell you how many times I've watched the guy in front of me dismantle each sandwich and start digging and sniffing around to determine the exact ingredients. Here's a reenactment of what I mean:<br />
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<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://img.youtube.com/vi/5t_tgiWatvs/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/5t_tgiWatvs&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/5t_tgiWatvs&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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Hudson's innovative labeling strategy renders this exploratory technique unnecessary however, mitigating any risk that the Sandwich Sniffers (TM) will confuse Albacore Tuna Salad for Alsation Ham and Cheese, and thus mitigating my risk of catching smallpox or Alzheimer's.<br />
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In other breaking news, if you google "Sandwich Sniffer," this is what comes up:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy2I2m7tOlu1R5HDnCEZRZSDUJj8BEfECChMM-KIT6tYM-E4zOaXh3_N_EW4YUenstoAq1b92DROdkQsPzjgmuMC1K96kXrDEv1gMifsGrL9pGdkyUQ_fsB2_-et48MuF768875a4qlr5Q/s1600/Sandwhich+Sniffer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy2I2m7tOlu1R5HDnCEZRZSDUJj8BEfECChMM-KIT6tYM-E4zOaXh3_N_EW4YUenstoAq1b92DROdkQsPzjgmuMC1K96kXrDEv1gMifsGrL9pGdkyUQ_fsB2_-et48MuF768875a4qlr5Q/s1600/Sandwhich+Sniffer.jpg" /></a></div>
Internet FTW.<br />
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<b>Audience</b><br />
When I first walked into the room, I felt like I'd traveled forward in time to meet my future self. When we first locked eyes, sandwich stacks in hand, it was exactly like when Joseph Gordon-Levitt first shares a meal with his future self in Looper:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxJ7P7Co7q_Rt1ZnN73LOxqZDUDzkA8GjaYBxFi5enu0Uz6eon9r07S0ST8AO4uJY3WgC8NaN9osP6tL6DktvNP-cJZ3ZxwT68civdMRuRj1Az0rWeyAmEXPf8zaXiijIkztPUOTFis0rN/s1600/looper-movie-review-bruce-willis-and-joseph-gordon-levitt-500x250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxJ7P7Co7q_Rt1ZnN73LOxqZDUDzkA8GjaYBxFi5enu0Uz6eon9r07S0ST8AO4uJY3WgC8NaN9osP6tL6DktvNP-cJZ3ZxwT68civdMRuRj1Az0rWeyAmEXPf8zaXiijIkztPUOTFis0rN/s640/looper-movie-review-bruce-willis-and-joseph-gordon-levitt-500x250.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The only notable difference was that my future self doesn't look like Bruce Willis. He looks like this:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPkrCNVqJ3fyHRNC0v5qqufES5hElA4Ubs8svpLLWJMI-_n8vAJPLvEPX779kxMtwnKLbVnPCcFXsGR9DsLTrLzk57E3k67uBuiDVNs1gsiRfC9mT4k2Nufrd7cbzpcWjKD_QlPaqtS8AE/s1600/Blue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPkrCNVqJ3fyHRNC0v5qqufES5hElA4Ubs8svpLLWJMI-_n8vAJPLvEPX779kxMtwnKLbVnPCcFXsGR9DsLTrLzk57E3k67uBuiDVNs1gsiRfC9mT4k2Nufrd7cbzpcWjKD_QlPaqtS8AE/s640/Blue.jpg" width="520" /></a></div>
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I rolled in 20 minutes into the half-hour lunch period that took place before the panel began. Bruce had clearly already been there for a while, yet he <i>still</i> had <i>four</i> whole sandwiches left to go, stacked up on his <strike> shelf</strike> <strike>stomach</strike>, um plate. My immediate reaction was to give him a nod of acknowledgment and admiration, assuming he was a fellow crasher. It was soon apparent that he was known by or affiliated with the Hudson crowd though. He got a lot of back slaps and appeared to be an expert in the field. Basically, he's the total package. Again, just like me.<br />
<br />
My one and only complaint about this guy, was that he was one of the loudest mouth breathers I've ever encountered. Honestly sounded like I was sitting next to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbvsNzr2wv8" target="_blank">Tony Soprano</a> in a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqJS3EQ_v6w" target="_blank">Darth Vader</a> mask. Unreal.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Panelists</b><br />
Firstly, as a Boston native I greatly appreciated the moment of silence held by the Hudson moderator prior to the beginning of the panel. Classy move.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, that silence also represented the most compelling and comprehensible moment of the entire panel, which consisted of four middle aged white guys and one older white guy talking about the charitable tax donation. They weren't debating whether the deduction is important or good though. Everyone agreed that it is. They literally just debated the philosophical moral/political/economic origins of the deduction.<br />
<br />
The only real highlight was the old guy's bow tie. Pretty sure it was tie-dye. My man definitely hit up a few Grateful Dead shows back in the day:<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjggQqhxEWDx0C9vWB0pYE7FFhC96IdiPTSeTTLTNoq4ng4BM_0KbMDHvLA1oMjuRnDgDcwifjSlobrasdwvfbKamy5SXoJ5_06x5m0R55gQhRNqPRBAuam2QfQQzaIresno74mkW7H7y_q/s1600/Bow+Tie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="332" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjggQqhxEWDx0C9vWB0pYE7FFhC96IdiPTSeTTLTNoq4ng4BM_0KbMDHvLA1oMjuRnDgDcwifjSlobrasdwvfbKamy5SXoJ5_06x5m0R55gQhRNqPRBAuam2QfQQzaIresno74mkW7H7y_q/s640/Bow+Tie.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
We should probably also take a moment to acknowledge the other guy's umbrella game. First of all, why do have an umbrella? There was literally not a cloud in the sky today pal. On the other hand, I can't <i>really</i> hate on a man for accessorizing outside of meteorological necessity when he's capable of pulling off the challenging wrist-hang maneuver. Let's also not forget that people have based their entire careers on the ability to wear dope suits and handle umbrellas. And by people, I mean Fonzworth Bentley. He is the only person that I mean:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir2g_JAHqyKkTQ2bNLlvlrj8tvWLmbsxdl3ch5xhn6iANhiFK7Kj2us8XsLbiOqeQHzssJb-KFOWeBXYzIigDVIOZmi-j3NlXtrvl-qIvjCPmHrmW5UJr2Wtjgaa8VNi-ZwCZnIyBUA6HX/s1600/fonzworth+67.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir2g_JAHqyKkTQ2bNLlvlrj8tvWLmbsxdl3ch5xhn6iANhiFK7Kj2us8XsLbiOqeQHzssJb-KFOWeBXYzIigDVIOZmi-j3NlXtrvl-qIvjCPmHrmW5UJr2Wtjgaa8VNi-ZwCZnIyBUA6HX/s1600/fonzworth+67.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
The first presenter was the worst of the bunch. He's a tax lawyer, so he displayed exactly as much charisma and personality as you'd expect. He was accompanied by a collection of powerpoint slides, each of which was basically a tax policy version of those inspirational posters you see in hospitals:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8GRO1CzzwcbpyIosg0AE4I9_GnD15iW92sT1XTpWV-JbDtEoIAAR9-2M4CHHzrBloOKq50mXoQ738sJo5_9JHA6EoTG9PqdHCwP4GA7kkTZeM-GN5pIyEAH-9peTilvOJfonnH7lnrhbl/s1600/COURAGE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8GRO1CzzwcbpyIosg0AE4I9_GnD15iW92sT1XTpWV-JbDtEoIAAR9-2M4CHHzrBloOKq50mXoQ738sJo5_9JHA6EoTG9PqdHCwP4GA7kkTZeM-GN5pIyEAH-9peTilvOJfonnH7lnrhbl/s640/COURAGE.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
They were basically just a series of cartoons or metaphorical images with phrases like "change the paradigm". Here's one showing a screw being driven into wood unsuccessfully by a hammer. Because screwdrivers. What does this have to do with charitable deductions? Not a fucking clue:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1zfBnKvLnPaPGj4ldeL64B35RyGZ8V7mUKvm35ZRU2j1vYZwYlyXz6-AGkayklnWNQPuMvf-7N-O7hwDvvGsDwdYS0DRpmJZxqH3SOXUOpuCOhDO2RZxp2zTQb3E_UeKgXUDvDOC0hR9W/s1600/Hammer+Screw.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1zfBnKvLnPaPGj4ldeL64B35RyGZ8V7mUKvm35ZRU2j1vYZwYlyXz6-AGkayklnWNQPuMvf-7N-O7hwDvvGsDwdYS0DRpmJZxqH3SOXUOpuCOhDO2RZxp2zTQb3E_UeKgXUDvDOC0hR9W/s400/Hammer+Screw.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
All I know is that if this image is truly analogous to the current taxation paradigm, well then, you might say...we're SCREWED guys! Boom. Count it.<br />
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Man I totally nailed that joke (!). Okay I'm done.<br />
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Here's another slide of his. This one marks the exact point at which I completely stopped paying attention to a single word anyone said.<br />
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The second panelist was a bit more dynamic to be fair, especially when he called the tax lawyer "willfully ignorant." Everyone was like:<br />
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<br />
Then he delivered a really predictable joke followed by a really cruel one. His name was Robert Reich, which, as I'm sure all you nerds know, was also the name of the Labor Secretary during the Clinton administration...Oh man. Two people. Same name. One was a Cabinet secretary. What are the chances?? Hold onto your hats. There's a horrific, cringe-worthy wonk joke in the making. I can't actually even remember how he delivered it because it was so predictable I started preemptively cringing. Unsurprisingly though, the crowd loved it.<br />
<br />
Anyway, after jokingly apologizing to "everyone who expected a presentation from the Secretary Reich" (because they have the same name see), he said that he was "making it up" to everyone with a a gift under our seat. That snapped me right back to attention. I was amped up, freaking out thinking this was like when those housewives who go to see Oprah and she gives them all sorts of private jets and cruises. Best panel EVVVVEER!!!<br />
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Then, no joke, this is what was under everyone's seat:<br />
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Damn you non-secretary Robert Reich. You're a dick.<br />
<br />
Follow me on Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/PanelCrasher" target="_blank">@PanelCrasher</a><br />
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<br />Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878392712334814517.post-28178375786022082302013-04-11T17:17:00.000-07:002013-04-16T20:02:02.805-07:00Crash 3 - American Enterprise Institute: “Lower Pay: Are Race and Gender to Blame?” <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After a week off, I returned to DC today even poorer and
less able to feed myself than before. I also returned apparently having totally
lost my knack for sneakiness. First stop was the American Enterprise Institute based on a Twitter tip
about their gourmet lunch buffets. My internet friend wasn’t wrong, but what he failed
to tell me was that the AEI interns are ON. POINT, and I got completely hosed by this intern. But I didn’t get into the Panel Crashing/Blogging game just to give
up in the face of one overeager intern. I adapt. I overcome. I make fun
of that intern on the internet anyway.</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Interns and Food:</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I first rolled into AEI there were three female interns
sitting behind a large front desk to check people in. Personally, I enjoyed the irony of having three
unpaid women welcoming me to a panel centered around the thesis that gender has
nothing to do with the wage gap. Here they are:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nevermind,
that’s actually a shot of Muammar Gaddafi’s female bodyguards. I couldn’t actually get a
picture of the AEInterns™. They were standing on a raised surface, which made my “pretend to be
texting but actually be taking pictures” strategy difficult. Then this old dude stepped in front of me, so all I got was this piece of crap photo:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWdfOLKhA2y6wJlN6D_GbGwDsfvM08rH8Tl1JRiqejL8ojVUhzjSqYwUWDOoEi8ifT3uwTgLoOhwdqzRBuZHx-vtAIQsaWAwOpCSNCYcs5sKDGe2X8dWTdM_w2PInC7-ECyhXa0A1E5v9N/s1600/IMG_1514.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWdfOLKhA2y6wJlN6D_GbGwDsfvM08rH8Tl1JRiqejL8ojVUhzjSqYwUWDOoEi8ifT3uwTgLoOhwdqzRBuZHx-vtAIQsaWAwOpCSNCYcs5sKDGe2X8dWTdM_w2PInC7-ECyhXa0A1E5v9N/s1600/IMG_1514.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fortunately, this captured the only intern you need to know about, the ginger. Remember her, because before I even had
time to take a long-distance pic of her and her posse, she'd caught me red handed. She was clever and waited until I went in for the food, which, by the way blew every other lunch panel out of the water. They had a full hot bar buffet
with a real nice shrimp gumbo situation, grilled chicken breasts, rice
pilaf, and a delightful little spring salad! This was served with <i>real</i> ceramic plates and silverware. Nothing
conservative about that kind of presentation folks am I right??</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYOFeTLJ-PHNmDyjXxpDYdEC5BADHYYOpHlz6Dbxg2BYOlNhxERYXADI9wQO-iihGWPlH69oCrgwjMGSiz9gy1K69NRpYPzYEd7LiM8hQMX88GaAQ9M2-1zCT3-t_dOXLIG1-qrGTF-UF_/s1600/IMG_1517.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYOFeTLJ-PHNmDyjXxpDYdEC5BADHYYOpHlz6Dbxg2BYOlNhxERYXADI9wQO-iihGWPlH69oCrgwjMGSiz9gy1K69NRpYPzYEd7LiM8hQMX88GaAQ9M2-1zCT3-t_dOXLIG1-qrGTF-UF_/s1600/IMG_1517.jpg" width="296" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I now realize however, is that this food spread was a trap. I
was so excited that I started just cockily taking pictures of the
buffet like a weirdo, calling attention to myself and not paying attention to
my surroundings. I forgot crasher rule number 46: Head on a swivel. The result? I failed to see our ginger friend lurking in the background waiting for me to make my move. Only afterwards did I notice her in the picture above, arms crossed, wearing pink to seem unthreatening but tracking my every move. I hate her, but dammit do I respect her. Don't see what I mean? ENHANCE!!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhDzSJ9WlRmiXXLJpJz_2aXkB_0LBX32qwy3bpwlExVMwIJYzHynpCnsg6O3JEGTVG2bfvkNjYIbtWeALLd6jAanZ6dlfFsRau9w1Jubkf65ZyiUdkxLStLqTk57ePOp-WBZXyZCcM1u-j/s1600/IMG_1517.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhDzSJ9WlRmiXXLJpJz_2aXkB_0LBX32qwy3bpwlExVMwIJYzHynpCnsg6O3JEGTVG2bfvkNjYIbtWeALLd6jAanZ6dlfFsRau9w1Jubkf65ZyiUdkxLStLqTk57ePOp-WBZXyZCcM1u-j/s1600/IMG_1517.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Within
SECONDS, the she was on me like condescending, self-important white on my panel crashing rice : “Sir, are you taking pictures of our food?” What I should have said was “Uh, ya, ever heard of
Instagram? This rice pilaf will look totally dope once I throw a Valencia filter
on there.” Then I could've just emailed her this sick insta and settled the whole thing:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-agIMzVIJwtKc9T85o9vwa_-jTRrn0FD55Sl81xeM6HT1bhWy-fY7DclC0sfJsvV6BFs4nTNLM_poinGj0S_UqLsd9nxIQRR1HPZZ3UAxvZifzUhk3qgVgyOXbP6jlMQ_02Doo1J00NCz/s1600/IMG_1522.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-agIMzVIJwtKc9T85o9vwa_-jTRrn0FD55Sl81xeM6HT1bhWy-fY7DclC0sfJsvV6BFs4nTNLM_poinGj0S_UqLsd9nxIQRR1HPZZ3UAxvZifzUhk3qgVgyOXbP6jlMQ_02Doo1J00NCz/s1600/IMG_1522.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OMG the colors!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But she caught me totally off guard, so instead I just started shaking, sweating, and sputtering nonsense about my affiliation and intentions. She had me completely cornered against the buffet table, as you can see in this picture:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJO7oBE9YwUpY7XHXj3BowQGvs9kUKXs0WbVj3iiZRmCLUmcpoHIUjSFjqX_YVjsbKpALIvAuieMrafr3-F3UV3yrgdqi1zWUklAnAi-BWwIamfNrAHWdoCdBFMg8f_oF536qfcwVmR9um/s1600/Han+Leia+Captured.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJO7oBE9YwUpY7XHXj3BowQGvs9kUKXs0WbVj3iiZRmCLUmcpoHIUjSFjqX_YVjsbKpALIvAuieMrafr3-F3UV3yrgdqi1zWUklAnAi-BWwIamfNrAHWdoCdBFMg8f_oF536qfcwVmR9um/s1600/Han+Leia+Captured.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay fine that’s a picture of the Stormtroopers capturing
Han Solo and Princess Leia in Star Wars. But it was basically like that. The truth is that I have no pictures, because she sternly informed me that AEI has a strict no picture
policy at their events.That seems like total bullshit, because they were
webcasting it, but I was so intimidated that I had no choice but to comply. Then I started connecting the dots. Why am I doing exactly as this girl tells me? Who is she? What do I know about her?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well first, she's a ginger:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhql4MGKc933J7lMpu5uTUQzDAitEr6exoYTY2-adJB8hKNxqdoRwVNf26qaq3h3dL_kS5wju7ZBvk0btdjgUYAMahDqIpXbP9uHBZPBgGShRMOfsZq-jnUoRVMpQ6w02uNf2-hCiE5jutd/s1600/Ginger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhql4MGKc933J7lMpu5uTUQzDAitEr6exoYTY2-adJB8hKNxqdoRwVNf26qaq3h3dL_kS5wju7ZBvk0btdjgUYAMahDqIpXbP9uHBZPBgGShRMOfsZq-jnUoRVMpQ6w02uNf2-hCiE5jutd/s1600/Ginger.jpg" width="283" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Second, she crosses her arms in a very intimidating manner:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1ttYmzXmZ-hs4FnPzhMOADEi0qgqrQ56wmqCCaK0DVAOcNA_1B7rTbZvX0vzjMPc_L1fHcjOy0qAUc1-TYVlwxVk-7MAfOXBdC6MHEGuk84wjU1Aeg_ofXrhp3qYZgd2L1hm5xo9NwxhV/s1600/arm+Cross.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1ttYmzXmZ-hs4FnPzhMOADEi0qgqrQ56wmqCCaK0DVAOcNA_1B7rTbZvX0vzjMPc_L1fHcjOy0qAUc1-TYVlwxVk-7MAfOXBdC6MHEGuk84wjU1Aeg_ofXrhp3qYZgd2L1hm5xo9NwxhV/s1600/arm+Cross.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And third, she's extremely good at interrogating people and catching them doing something they don't want to be caught for....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OMFG SHE'S MAYA FROM ZERO DARK THIRTY!!!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVOUA8zCeBmVMOUqj7DtzLkRdw_rkL88Md9i0NvK20M-o_d0Ms16yiUK92jFHVzyely7ca3sTkTGi3vLrYqoTnk40sNOy0IjDSktlxQ5m7yNrwt7PobMLDwv9S9_WkHzmijxX_P8BpnoCl/s1600/Maya+Three.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="352" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVOUA8zCeBmVMOUqj7DtzLkRdw_rkL88Md9i0NvK20M-o_d0Ms16yiUK92jFHVzyely7ca3sTkTGi3vLrYqoTnk40sNOy0IjDSktlxQ5m7yNrwt7PobMLDwv9S9_WkHzmijxX_P8BpnoCl/s1600/Maya+Three.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's right. The woman who took down Osama bin Laden can now add The Panel Crasher to her list of victims. She is a true American hero.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But seriously, if I were this intern I would just erase the
rest of my resume and put <i>“Summer 2013:
Caught the Panel Crasher.”</i> Bang, done. Hired. Lifetime think tank employment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i>***UPDATE: SOURCES TELL ME THESE LADIES ARE IN FACT STAFFERS. SO I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. WE AIM FOR ACCURACY HERE. EXPLAINS WHY THEY WERE SO ON POINT THOUGH. ***</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Panelists:</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once the interns had me on missile lock though, I was screwed. Maya sent another intern to sit behind me, so I couldn't take a single pictures. Thankfully, the internet exists.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The panel was centered around a new book about why race and gender are not to blame for wage disparities. The book was written by this woman and her husband, but she was the only one of them on the panel:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQscVr3UWie4UIP8spZbadTowlNlJUK2IQROYjAAEiBO9qr7RR9YDV86MsdY15H9jXUhHVlUwA-nEVK7-NvKNX8PoX-ftEWo3MMHfS6NvUC8NGmVqeO0Y28rj9fcDcdO-i3fSTYFllO-_G/s1600/June+Oneill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQscVr3UWie4UIP8spZbadTowlNlJUK2IQROYjAAEiBO9qr7RR9YDV86MsdY15H9jXUhHVlUwA-nEVK7-NvKNX8PoX-ftEWo3MMHfS6NvUC8NGmVqeO0Y28rj9fcDcdO-i3fSTYFllO-_G/s1600/June+Oneill.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She didn't say it, but she <i>has</i> to be related to Dr. Ruth, that old sex therapist who had that call-in show "Good Sex" back in the day. Don't know what I mean? Do yourself a favor and watch this video of her explaining to 70-year old caller Henry how to have better erections:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/_oqqK0STStU/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/_oqqK0STStU&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/_oqqK0STStU&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once you're done throwing up, tell me they aren't related:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLi_58_PrgJSJF-ZSPTy0PNeCLHzY8bL2sq4AF_d1czCSGiDOjCpmAwllZh8HdTEByXNN33Yg_8uvsYcH-p7vHWhyYFRwm1vjLLSABL3IeRTi41wLYDHyYf7OxMOeXup__NtMS_2hpUGG2/s1600/Ruth+and+June.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLi_58_PrgJSJF-ZSPTy0PNeCLHzY8bL2sq4AF_d1czCSGiDOjCpmAwllZh8HdTEByXNN33Yg_8uvsYcH-p7vHWhyYFRwm1vjLLSABL3IeRTi41wLYDHyYf7OxMOeXup__NtMS_2hpUGG2/s1600/Ruth+and+June.jpg" width="338" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dr. Ruth's best moment on the panel was when she put up a powerpoint presentation that was on her laptop. The laptop faced her, but was connected and displayed on the screens around her for the audience to see. In a classic old lady move, which no one had the heart to call her on, she kept saying things like "now you see here on this graph," and then pointing to her laptop screen rather than the TV screens, as if that could be seen the audience...because, you know, computers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The second panelist was a guy named Mike Myers. Yes, finding a picture of Mike Myers on the internet was difficult, thank you:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-L3lSp2CqgP2HFsVax-Mc4NdFZeNmBYBm7GxnNiKwssNU0-mckvpOjTqAsmh-dCEQUTlX9Xhb707WO-HqSU90fxryKHdptLtDzx3Utf44K5eD8sxD7PHo2feEl7C1krS-rNorNwqEVOm3/s1600/Mike+Myers+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-L3lSp2CqgP2HFsVax-Mc4NdFZeNmBYBm7GxnNiKwssNU0-mckvpOjTqAsmh-dCEQUTlX9Xhb707WO-HqSU90fxryKHdptLtDzx3Utf44K5eD8sxD7PHo2feEl7C1krS-rNorNwqEVOm3/s1600/Mike+Myers+2.JPG" width="275" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now this Mike Myers is not a serial killer or a terrible comedian, but he <i>is </i>most certainly the only black guy who thinks that race and discrimination have literally nothing to do with wage disparities. More importantly though, at one point he said the phrase "pusillanimous posturing." No clue what he meant, but it was hilarious.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then he yelled out, "The rent is too damn high!!!!"</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPjkr8L8UlsZ-iEbFArZp_QkK6uM5DdBrHx9ao-iVuRhH5ZLh3ENWMSor24WpO75bcOiLE3rda7zQLBcDY2jTz-2evmaxVZcD7H2K5lTKf1spIBwC4gNwXtnUvWO7H1ex0BleDk4IKsMSr/s1600/Rent.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="302" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPjkr8L8UlsZ-iEbFArZp_QkK6uM5DdBrHx9ao-iVuRhH5ZLh3ENWMSor24WpO75bcOiLE3rda7zQLBcDY2jTz-2evmaxVZcD7H2K5lTKf1spIBwC4gNwXtnUvWO7H1ex0BleDk4IKsMSr/s320/Rent.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, the best panelist was this gentleman, Harry Holzer:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQDGRUlEuY7KVkTCPk2PwOrUMvF7vCi4dK1MZXa-HK9q8aAr3YfOIqyFJqluwc9ZIVC2aJG2B3zlyDVR9sxtTF7mJG3LLLxwEMFkYyQ_jTyNhG9CahbmMijVEuHNyeo7Ql3QzdRZ2Ag63/s1600/Harry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQDGRUlEuY7KVkTCPk2PwOrUMvF7vCi4dK1MZXa-HK9q8aAr3YfOIqyFJqluwc9ZIVC2aJG2B3zlyDVR9sxtTF7mJG3LLLxwEMFkYyQ_jTyNhG9CahbmMijVEuHNyeo7Ql3QzdRZ2Ag63/s1600/Harry.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now Harry had the unenviable job of being the liberal voice on the panel, arguing that racism and sexism remain significant barriers to wage equality. How did he do this? Well after a few platitudes to Dr. Ruth he proceeded to tear. her. book. to. shreds. Literally: page-by-page, he went through and dressed down her claims and conclusions, making it rain with citations of studies, experiments, reports, and anecdotes. It was such a barrage of facts and figures that he could of been totally making it up as he went along. No idea if there was any validity to what he was saying. Dr. Ruth had been soft-spoken, frail, and polite in her presentation, but this dude went the total other direction with it, blasting her loudly and ceaselessly. I literally was waiting for him to yell “dammit woman you <i>ARE</i> discriminated
against, and you’ll like it. Get me a sandwich! SEE!!!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well the last panelist, a woman named Diana, did NOT like Harry's presentation. So what did she do to prove that sexism was dead? Make her own articulate rebuttal? Nope. She called on Dr. Ruth's HUSBAND, who had co-written the book and was in the audience, to take the mic and defend Dr. Ruth by peppering Harry with questions. THEN, when Harry went to answer the questions, she grabbed the mic back from him and said, “Um, Harry, I gave my time to Dave, not you okay,” and proceeded with her presentation. In short, Harry owned Dr. Ruth, but then Diana and Mr. Ruth owned him even harder.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The most owned person at the panel however, was me. Hats off to the AEI ladies. I may have been the Jazzy Jeff to your Phil Banks this time.....</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUHz-fCB4MyvYdKZyc-_mapU0cNyyOg8JsnA7yFwBZck9u9uQvZUpEFkB1jDPoq5j8uDSmFEw1054qbvFtr-D9u1M4Hzb6kbrozRtxnuxWCPvF-is2caKqV4SXOsLmyX_YXoRUO9F44KW/s1600/jazzy_jeff-1319648566+2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUHz-fCB4MyvYdKZyc-_mapU0cNyyOg8JsnA7yFwBZck9u9uQvZUpEFkB1jDPoq5j8uDSmFEw1054qbvFtr-D9u1M4Hzb6kbrozRtxnuxWCPvF-is2caKqV4SXOsLmyX_YXoRUO9F44KW/s1600/jazzy_jeff-1319648566+2.gif" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I'll be back, and you will be crashed. Oh yes, you will be crashed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Follow me on Twitter @PanelCrasher</span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878392712334814517.post-78677980767902010802013-04-06T13:06:00.004-07:002013-04-06T13:08:40.622-07:00I'll Be Back On Thursday. Can I Blog about the Food at my Friend's Wedding?So apparently people are reading this? What's wrong with you!? Get back to work. I thought the whole point of a blog was to hear (see?) yourself speak and feel important, not for people to give any quantity of shits what you have to say. I keep telling people that writing a blog is a Top 5 sign that you are a total fucking loser, but I guess if people read it then maybe not? Anyway, I'm out of town for a wedding in Oklahoma City, then to NYC for a grad school admitted students event, but I'll be back at it in DC on Thursday... headed to a panel on "Race and Gender" at a conservative think tank. I'm guessing the idea is that those things don't matter... but stay tuned.<br />
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Query, is it a dick move if I blog about the free food spreads at the wedding and/or grad school event? Keep in mind the groom at the wedding knows who I am. The grad school does not...Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878392712334814517.post-11874897340357595362013-04-04T17:23:00.002-07:002013-04-16T20:02:10.898-07:00Crash 2 - Center for American Progress: "Getting Top Talent into the Nation's Schools" - 12:30pm<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm on the Twitter Machine now <a href="https://twitter.com/PanelCrasher" target="_blank">@PanelCrasher</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For my second foray into panel crashing, I ventured back across the aisle to the Center for American Progress for a lunchtime panel discussion called "Getting Top Talent into the Nation's Schools," which was centered around a new report some guy had just come out with called "Getting the Best People into the Toughest Jobs." In almost every way, this was the exact opposite of yesterday's event: Ridiculously baller food spread, substantially less hilarious subject matter, discussed by an almost unbearably boring group of people (except for one). I zoned out so many times, and was so distracted by this one dude's amazing outfit that I honestly can't even really tell you what the hell they were talking about. I will try though, and I will most <i>definitely </i>provide the kind of extensive, hard-hitting coverage and creepy pics of this man and his outfit that you've come to expect from this blog. But first, I would like to do some self-congratulating: Yesterday's post has already been viewed in TEN different countries around the world! Most insanely? It has been read by two people in SOUTH SUDAN!! Who are you people?! How do you have the internet?? Identify yourselves at once! And thank you! Oh man, the internet is the weirdest huh? Moving right along.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Interns:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My first and only encounter with the CAP intern crew (CAPtern Crew?? TM), was outside the CAP offices during the check-in when I rolled up to these two ladies.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJZskhYEuXa41yltzR-zy8jtZFCR-D2AiZC6CnkWH9ESBdI15RYpfne7Wz2qqNx82B40s2-HgDfEkMowQwQ6lJEQWESN_XUKjFZQPZ3wGSbAx7ENhVWz3Oalh-vKJrFU3G7Mfg1aiA6MGa/s1600/IMG_1429.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJZskhYEuXa41yltzR-zy8jtZFCR-D2AiZC6CnkWH9ESBdI15RYpfne7Wz2qqNx82B40s2-HgDfEkMowQwQ6lJEQWESN_XUKjFZQPZ3wGSbAx7ENhVWz3Oalh-vKJrFU3G7Mfg1aiA6MGa/s320/IMG_1429.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, like a total rookie, I'd failed to register for this event. That was my fist mistake. My second was going to the girl on the left. Look her just grilling me! What's you're problem intern girl? Can't a guy creepily take a picture of a couple strangers at a panel event without getting a goddamn death stare anymore? And I thought this was a liberal organization? Lose the sweater/collar combo. Loosen up. Accessorize. Throw a scarf on or something like your friend there!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, I told her I hadn't registered, but she still asked for my name so she could check her little spreadsheet to act like she was performing some sort of essential function. Then, helpfully, she confirmed to me what I had already just told her. Great job! You can add a new bullet to your resume: "Oversaw advanced event entrance screening procedures and database in order to repeat back to people things they had already told me and totally waste both of our time".</span><br />
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Having done so, she then hesitated and acted like she had to make a really tough decision. She looked around, looked back at her spread sheet unnecessarily, breathed heavily, acted like she was doing me a huge favor by being real cool and lenient, and said "okay. You know what. You can just go in. It's fine". Oh, I can?! It's fine?! Are you sure?! Why thank you so much! Like, was there a chance she was going to deny me entrance? Does she have that kind of authority? No. Of course not. You're an intern. Relax. I'm trying to get a Cosi sandwich, not a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL--TkrtLrU" target="_blank">reservation at Dorsia on a Friday nigh</a>t.</span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/JL--TkrtLrU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Food:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So having moved past the Intern Iron Curtain, I came upon the absolutely top notch food spread. Great job CAP. Really great job. All kinds of sandwiches, wraps, vegetarian options, and they even had potato salad, cole slaw, and a massive bowl of pickles! I had two pickles. (Treat. Yo. Self.)</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhweIPFMOR4-sCHeN_tGI59iD-Pv1vQWc-uF1O8s905wksQrrcULKwnNd_L3-Usut1A1b1i5SAH5QRtCGyRgluqFb9WEgJs-G5JeHHDuc-q4KLIs3S8F_7_IXNHL1jaSKwwAry_-_P_tfW4/s1600/IMG_1431.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhweIPFMOR4-sCHeN_tGI59iD-Pv1vQWc-uF1O8s905wksQrrcULKwnNd_L3-Usut1A1b1i5SAH5QRtCGyRgluqFb9WEgJs-G5JeHHDuc-q4KLIs3S8F_7_IXNHL1jaSKwwAry_-_P_tfW4/s320/IMG_1431.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you look very carefully on the far right side of the above picture in the immediate foreground, you'll catch your first glimpse of my favorite audience member and his epic sweater/jeans combo. I hadn't even noticed him at the time because I was too busy stuffing pickles down my pants. (it was awkward when I had to tell my girlfriend that while I <i>was</i> happy to see her, that was in fact a pickle in my pants). You'll also see that my man is clearly a panelist-crashing pro. Note the skillful holding of the Evian water bottle (classy!) that he brought with him, <i>underneath</i> his sandwich plate, both with his left hand, while he applies his mustard with the right hand. Can't see what I mean? ENHANCE!!:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1O6SEgWh2q2nXcjwBcoKpsizEw8q1uD9pfSWssxHIMHJukCsDa_0l3Q40zFctw4_WUOysAvmk0ao-JQmuqMWqk-KSlEIuMjR36X4svDuZPl755pocpZZEyb2a_-ZzHVnG1Sao-wEqncDC/s1600/IMG_1431.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="505" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1O6SEgWh2q2nXcjwBcoKpsizEw8q1uD9pfSWssxHIMHJukCsDa_0l3Q40zFctw4_WUOysAvmk0ao-JQmuqMWqk-KSlEIuMjR36X4svDuZPl755pocpZZEyb2a_-ZzHVnG1Sao-wEqncDC/s640/IMG_1431.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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Look at that finger placement! This gentleman is a multi-talented wonder. Fashion swag <i>and</i> condiment application skills for days. Really next level stuff.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I had to nitpick though, and I most certainly do, I was a little disappointed that the quantity of potato salad and slaw was disproportionately low relative to the Last Supper-level sandwich trays:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj00VFz6h8a25_Huhx9O9FgCw2T3pv6i4TOZGW2Euhq0aQeJDldIHjsGIGanYkrFJEwG-uYGlpu-_TyEy7GKgTd5FPvq8YCZ5Uw_RF9RAHog7-aVGsSRQtQor8GE5tre3WTztjQXuNZJc5w/s1600/IMG_1432.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj00VFz6h8a25_Huhx9O9FgCw2T3pv6i4TOZGW2Euhq0aQeJDldIHjsGIGanYkrFJEwG-uYGlpu-_TyEy7GKgTd5FPvq8YCZ5Uw_RF9RAHog7-aVGsSRQtQor8GE5tre3WTztjQXuNZJc5w/s320/IMG_1432.jpg" width="238" /></span></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Panelists:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not nearly as entertaining or absurd as yesterday's guy, and no real obvious dopplegangers amongst today's panelists. The first part of the event was an introduction from this old lady from CAP, who. was. terrible. Her boring ramblings really set the tone for the whole thing. The only highlight was her sweater, which she clearly made herself from a quilt or something:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1RUOyR0JmvAD3lmOXJyEdDvdUa9AyrYQCj1OOLN4ATR6ZM9tpxrII1HfqgX3jr0k0_L7B1HdAEhz_IMpkWldT8GaNgvzxF8sDLuONbsF9REH6I46CaIyr6DLoVG4MPggkT2i82f_5_6_P/s1600/IMG_1436.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1RUOyR0JmvAD3lmOXJyEdDvdUa9AyrYQCj1OOLN4ATR6ZM9tpxrII1HfqgX3jr0k0_L7B1HdAEhz_IMpkWldT8GaNgvzxF8sDLuONbsF9REH6I46CaIyr6DLoVG4MPggkT2i82f_5_6_P/s320/IMG_1436.JPG" width="252" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up was a presentation by the old guy who wrote the paper, and man did he stumble and bumble his way through. He had a powerpoint presentation that was set up on the complete opposite side of the room from him. That was really confusing. Where am I supposed to look? At you? The screen? It was like when you don't know what to do with your hands. Real awkward:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Vvdu1YIneAs1IfQwGIS49H0P4gYrTbDxk6XvsIth7bQV-XLDW32eVNCWIBJ1mChDOdxqRfBcVv-mjV-0FAnnHXMxCiZbD8k1ewxEYL2SjtDwBg27sDIA7m5G76K678xhvf0M__NztKqG/s1600/IMG_1434.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Vvdu1YIneAs1IfQwGIS49H0P4gYrTbDxk6XvsIth7bQV-XLDW32eVNCWIBJ1mChDOdxqRfBcVv-mjV-0FAnnHXMxCiZbD8k1ewxEYL2SjtDwBg27sDIA7m5G76K678xhvf0M__NztKqG/s320/IMG_1434.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On top of that he kept losing his place and muttering that he was lost as he had to fast forward and rewind the slides while rummaging through his papers. Total disaster. The only highlight of his entire train wreck of a presentation, ironically, was his invocation of a train wreck metaphor that made absolutely zero sense. As he closed out his speech he said "the road forward will have bumps, but the train has left the
station”.... Um, what, in god's name, are you talking about dude? Trains don’t travel on
roads. Rails don’t have bumps. If rails <i>do </i>have bumps, then it is NOT a minor deal like it is on a road. Your fucking train derails and everyone on board dies....Unless Bruce Willis' character from Unbreakable is on the train. He survives, 100% of the time:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQ7gTXLAvxKBROsyhHuvMCWxihVUQSnwaGztfEeOpybnLMsTaYFQXh4FCHGA-LLxD49uQrHZHkSlq91s0nXVFrcUQbSsQsMYOfZ3tIyuSvxIzlsn27qWfkbCqT7lJxOVndNX9NJi8e8Pe/s1600/Bruce+Willis+Train.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQ7gTXLAvxKBROsyhHuvMCWxihVUQSnwaGztfEeOpybnLMsTaYFQXh4FCHGA-LLxD49uQrHZHkSlq91s0nXVFrcUQbSsQsMYOfZ3tIyuSvxIzlsn27qWfkbCqT7lJxOVndNX9NJi8e8Pe/s320/Bruce+Willis+Train.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other most mind boggling moment was when he revealed the "core messages" of his groundbreaking research. The first one? Are you ready?... <u>"T</u><u>alent matters"</u>. Yep. That's one of the the two primary conclusions in this guy's paper. Thanks for that game changing conclusion Allan! Until that moment I'd really been on the fence as to whether teachers being incredibly shitty at teaching had any impact on student outcomes. But the results are in people, and it turns out that in fact, "talent matters". That's particularly interesting stuff when you compare teaching to other professions, where of course everyone knows that talent doesn't matter at all. So if you donate to CAP, pat yourself on the back for really shaking up the education debate people! Just changing the world, one mindblowingly self-evident finding at a time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
When he finally got through his presentation, he and the old lady joined the three guest panelists on stage, and their facial expressions really tell you everything:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoOMByRMWP8KwsB6OS7XY48oKT_eaXB7lQS0vCZxjf9Mmmr6zEMTJaBYPafv47rVFmtZaO_UShvMM6Bra2zty2UvM0I7gI6WbEyX8fA_8vK9UzsN3sGPkExFg4HkDGMBt1hk1bXbWoImJr/s1600/IMG_1436.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoOMByRMWP8KwsB6OS7XY48oKT_eaXB7lQS0vCZxjf9Mmmr6zEMTJaBYPafv47rVFmtZaO_UShvMM6Bra2zty2UvM0I7gI6WbEyX8fA_8vK9UzsN3sGPkExFg4HkDGMBt1hk1bXbWoImJr/s320/IMG_1436.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The star of the whole thing was the woman on the left in the orange shirt. She's the Superintendent of the Newark Public School system,
which means she must basically be the most badass woman on the planet. In my head, she's some sort of unstoppable mutant, combining Michelle Pfeifer's feminine empathy and appreciation of hip-hop culture in Dangerous Minds with Tom Berenger's special forces military training and skillset in the Substitute:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHvs4qNDWsZKYkA3NRrDw1g_VcPx39WGuS9PLknmTS2P9Z6qpoyVB7xnA9rh04CKypkbYzI1TfxZ9IayzfwRexwa3Q69fp-8n8pnyY5zhsB8329q4JdyoOp9lIEbf423v9qAuL299inxTc/s1600/Pfieffer+Berenger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHvs4qNDWsZKYkA3NRrDw1g_VcPx39WGuS9PLknmTS2P9Z6qpoyVB7xnA9rh04CKypkbYzI1TfxZ9IayzfwRexwa3Q69fp-8n8pnyY5zhsB8329q4JdyoOp9lIEbf423v9qAuL299inxTc/s320/Pfieffer+Berenger.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Speaking of Dangerous Minds, here is a recent photo of Coolio. He has aged <i>exactly </i>as well as I'd hoped. Which is to say he has aged terribly. You're welcome:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Ij8Tr4mpHwBF0Tvc-zqh38Q-nD4bFNDb1RNRh0gMluSVn9VWqIV6ZZvGl5S5lb4peTpI5-3_Le_xHOePP8S6OgzmnAQOcWvvSfKkCARGGsw1RDLZlB6E_pZ6z-QBFkC9DcWR3ZtV1ePM/s1600/Coolio-Hair.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Ij8Tr4mpHwBF0Tvc-zqh38Q-nD4bFNDb1RNRh0gMluSVn9VWqIV6ZZvGl5S5lb4peTpI5-3_Le_xHOePP8S6OgzmnAQOcWvvSfKkCARGGsw1RDLZlB6E_pZ6z-QBFkC9DcWR3ZtV1ePM/s320/Coolio-Hair.gif" width="252" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway the Newark Superintendent mentioned she was an athlete and used a lot sports metaphors and coaching references. By the looks of her, I'm guessing she was one of those girls who started the women’s rugby
club in college or made it onto the JV football team in high school. She also called herself a “campus revolutionary” at one point
when I wasn’t paying attention. Without context, that seemed cocky as shit. Then she started texting on her blackberry! That is definitely one of the all time cockiest power moves you can pull on a panel, short of going <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=uczUKTwgqeY#t=31s" target="_blank">Jim Everett on everyone, flipping a table, and attacking the moderator</a>. Points off for having a Blackberry
though. What kind of example are you setting for your students with that thing you maniac!?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As for the lady on the right with the dreads, she literally
said not one word until the very end. Guy on the far left said nothing that I can remember. The old lady in the quilt sweater was supposedly moderating, but she refused to interject or interrupt anyone, so everybody just rambled the hell on whenever they had the chance. That caused the
whole thing to run over by about half an hour, which sucked because I finished my food in the first five minutes and the pants pickles (TM) were starting to soak through my boxers.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Best Audience Member:</span></b></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And now, for my favorite person of any panel I've ever been to.... This guy!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho6rirqABJrxUOecZe4Y3K0nThObAtg6-bRLGgdm8uurw_lyxfYV8CFypvUUH48THg4-k2Pxws3in9lF9cr5BeflmzLgwm8u6MY_k6DVfst-cgJpjxrGf3MLK13h-FFnN8GtCSSwbxFJBk/s1600/IMG_1439.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho6rirqABJrxUOecZe4Y3K0nThObAtg6-bRLGgdm8uurw_lyxfYV8CFypvUUH48THg4-k2Pxws3in9lF9cr5BeflmzLgwm8u6MY_k6DVfst-cgJpjxrGf3MLK13h-FFnN8GtCSSwbxFJBk/s640/IMG_1439.jpg" width="350" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Look at those jeans! Look at that sweater! This guy rules. Before I fully explore the wonders of his outfit though, allow me to regale you with how I got this pulitzer-worthy picture. I caught my first glimpse of this guy as I exited the sandwich station, but I couldn't get a pic before he sat down across the aisle from me. This threw my whole operation off because I then spent the entire two hours trying to get a better look at him and taking weird pictures like this, which in no way capture this man's glory:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuEi166RVXHpYQ1YZlffA-fQv3pXpE8eWScuFzeInN32c1nhnTZ-yPsx6UE-aI3wohTIFzLS0rAJzleLoQwNLKJS1NqCSSXh44tsq9VIbNwrmMm3QHKQ18wPzYNUrONXsLrXAeYq7z2h8-/s1600/IMG_1437.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuEi166RVXHpYQ1YZlffA-fQv3pXpE8eWScuFzeInN32c1nhnTZ-yPsx6UE-aI3wohTIFzLS0rAJzleLoQwNLKJS1NqCSSXh44tsq9VIbNwrmMm3QHKQ18wPzYNUrONXsLrXAeYq7z2h8-/s320/IMG_1437.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In doing so, I <i>did</i> notice that he had even more sandwiches than me. I wasn't mad though. Just really impressed. He had three whole sandwiches, AND and an entire bagel sandwich! A bagel is equivalent to four pieces of bread, in case you didn't know, so this guy basically knocked back a full loaf of bread like it was nothing. Suck on that Dr. Atkins (RIP). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As time went on though, I became really anxious that he was going to leave early and I wouldn't be able to get the proper angle for a picture and my blog would be ruined. Eventually my anxiety became so overwhelming that I just up and moved seats. Right in the middle of panel. Having moved to the back of the room to an aisle seat behind my new friend, I was first able to get a clean shot of the back of his sweater:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvE0RwbAw5AiizRRnLnF4XdUOTOm8zWhUIIR0jn6fahoZRszZsjjcEcNkr8W-tvnlz4pXPR7b9tlzHYM7xoCzFUHA_kY-Fb2KayEXzRH3LlfIfv6uIGv0dpl6XpRGgZnD3kYu7_mm9jxuT/s1600/IMG_1438.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="283" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvE0RwbAw5AiizRRnLnF4XdUOTOm8zWhUIIR0jn6fahoZRszZsjjcEcNkr8W-tvnlz4pXPR7b9tlzHYM7xoCzFUHA_kY-Fb2KayEXzRH3LlfIfv6uIGv0dpl6XpRGgZnD3kYu7_mm9jxuT/s320/IMG_1438.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is it an eagle?? A dragon?? I just don't know. I may never know, which is one of the greatest failures of my life. The point though, is that not a single element of this guy's ensemble makes any sense. He's got Air Force Ones from 2001, but is wearing them under wide leg acid washed jeans straight out 1995, and what appears to be a hand embroidered homemade attempt at one of those Affliction graphic hoodies that you see those MMA weirdos wearing:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXgnVeX6U7vvL71nwKfDxL9MsP1dbstG3mesY5OI_YMqz0A-Hm2g16erLltEgyUkf3KBETnrjpC4VHHdERGcvTptKli5BBTk_IGF8R5rhcOs9BiJ_uKSg3n-je7HSEa4kkYPikMjHi6d2t/s1600/Sweater+comparison.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXgnVeX6U7vvL71nwKfDxL9MsP1dbstG3mesY5OI_YMqz0A-Hm2g16erLltEgyUkf3KBETnrjpC4VHHdERGcvTptKli5BBTk_IGF8R5rhcOs9BiJ_uKSg3n-je7HSEa4kkYPikMjHi6d2t/s320/Sweater+comparison.jpg" width="306" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
As for the jeans, the ONLY possible explanation I can come up with for where he got his jeans is that he works for the Wizards and Michael Jordan gave them to him. That's the only way. And wearing Michael Jordan's jeans to an education panel, my friends, is cooler than anything you've ever done:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFrB9Ivt5__LnJ2wqAaFi3IUfzyT0sz5xIBRjO4Q-svj5dQPM9-Yo8sl4xcrTLLZ7GR0lDPBnc1f1fJIfcOUzSjACh14PD_tYN_uLTMvKSqKVt__yf9ScN1wbNdBBg-fAhHuli5Pz1O8LW/s1600/Jordan+Jeans+Mashup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="467" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFrB9Ivt5__LnJ2wqAaFi3IUfzyT0sz5xIBRjO4Q-svj5dQPM9-Yo8sl4xcrTLLZ7GR0lDPBnc1f1fJIfcOUzSjACh14PD_tYN_uLTMvKSqKVt__yf9ScN1wbNdBBg-fAhHuli5Pz1O8LW/s640/Jordan+Jeans+Mashup.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ultimately my strategic repositioning proved to be genius, as when the panel ended he walked right by me and I was able to get the above iconic walk-by photo that will be burned into your brains forever. I thought I would never see him again. But THEN, like some sort of sign from God, who did I find at the urinal standing right next to me when I went to the bathroom afterwards?! You guessed it. I couldn't work up the courage to start a conversation with him though to get some background. It's awkward and challenging enough trying to chat up a guy peeing next to you who <i>doesn't</i> have Michael Jordan's jeans on, ya know? My next thought was to take a picture of him, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal. A man has to draw a line in the sand somewhere I guess.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://twitter.com/PanelCrasher" target="_blank">Follow me on Twitter @PanelCrasher</a></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878392712334814517.post-18140667358572604742013-04-03T13:52:00.000-07:002013-04-16T20:02:23.419-07:00Crash 1 - Family Research Council: "What to Expect When No One's Expecting" - 12pm<span style="font-family: inherit;">To begin my epic journey across the bizarre world of DC panel events and lectures in search of free food and hilarity, I headed to the Family Research Council's lunchtime lecture, "What to Expect When No One's Expecting." My background is in international relations, and I'm not a lunatic, so I'd never been to the FRC before. You might say, I had no idea what to expect! I can't believe that's my first joke. I'm so sorry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'd actually hoped to make my first post next week about the Center for American Progress' event, "<span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: black; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;">Hunger, Obesity, and Food Literacy in the United States". It seems ripe for meta ironic jokes about the unhealthy food spread and how it must be super awkward for the fat people in attendance. But I'll be out of town next week, so instead I ventured into the </span><span style="font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;"><i>HILARIOUS</i></span><span style="font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;"> world of conservative Christian activist groups, known for their outrageous happy hours, partyish office culture, and now by me for their shitty food spreads.</span></span></span><b style="font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;"><br /></b><br />
<b style="font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;">Food:</b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: black; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit;">I showed up nine minutes late to this thing. Nine. And this is the first thing I saw. </span></span>Absolute fucking joke:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUE-cl5vDGZILCjGp_6OtW8WHbLGCna7eTsz3m2FlwT75lYnvowGwYHqMVFrV0hXXsOpHSfnXZJeEaKr7NRscPmD_-XNnZN1e9bMWUasQ8xnivvJEE0yDTUI8HxqfOv-Wynwwd9rUm8XC5/s1600/IMG_1416.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUE-cl5vDGZILCjGp_6OtW8WHbLGCna7eTsz3m2FlwT75lYnvowGwYHqMVFrV0hXXsOpHSfnXZJeEaKr7NRscPmD_-XNnZN1e9bMWUasQ8xnivvJEE0yDTUI8HxqfOv-Wynwwd9rUm8XC5/s320/IMG_1416.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe a few less tubs of mayonaise and a couple more sandwiches next time guys. This pissed me off, obviously. That's kind of the point of this whole blog. It also pissed me off because I was really hungover and starving. Unless I wanted to rip a mustard shot or blow a line of Splenda though, I wasnt getting any free food. In retrospect, I guess you shouldn't go to an extreme conservative group expecting free handouts, am I right?!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To make it worse, when I approached the door to the event a guy came out and asked if I was there for the lecture. Then when I said yes,, he asked me to come with him to help carry some more chairs! I literally had to follow this guy into another room and hump a stack of chairs!! I'm here for free food brother, not to provide you free labor. As if I needed another reason to think the FRC is the worst. And where are your fucking interns? Well when I walked in and saw <i>him</i>, I understood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Interns:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There were two interns on duty at this thing, and I can say without reservation, that the guy standing up in this picture was the most remarkably suave, handsome,<span style="background-color: white;"> well-dressed intern I've ever seen. Not an ounce of awkwardness in this guy. His sideburns alone were a clear statement that he wasn't about to carry any chairs. </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Had there been a woman under the age of 73 at this thing, he would have cleaned up:</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiku0Md5k4xnmG3jGFuOxjE3xPop3YpMSpMUqi5pQsYfC_TyMqmHQYHvuhi40j-TVdWFR1wx3nx_GQLxB-D5sngK4byNnkFE_XavVpBm7KQOmDMjPp5kYGQFzvAqz0mKLEfQtH7a2bF4TQ7/s1600/IMG_1420.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiku0Md5k4xnmG3jGFuOxjE3xPop3YpMSpMUqi5pQsYfC_TyMqmHQYHvuhi40j-TVdWFR1wx3nx_GQLxB-D5sngK4byNnkFE_XavVpBm7KQOmDMjPp5kYGQFzvAqz0mKLEfQtH7a2bF4TQ7/s320/IMG_1420.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Then there was his unfortunate colleague, the nerdy A/V kid in the box with the headset. </span></span><span style="background-color: white;">The body language tells you everything you need to know: </span><span style="background-color: white;">100% chance the he's getting his lunch money taken. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">When he got his internship at FRC you know he was thinking he had it made: He'd be the youngest, best looking guy in the building, and he'd know how to operate the Internet, making him the BMOC for the first time since the 1997 Magic The Gathering championships. Then he shows up and realizes he's competing against Dylan from 90210:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgdPLu_S5ChUpCEPvdIk4hNyOsBctTdgCCLCMRPZhBFqA9U1MEWHML4C5Fd5vajr53Q0jovXEqGDZgm93G1NH6xozjGrEonL0qvdovXcZgjHiOMRxG0RoWBDDZ8hTteMcNETEgUysNq2ih/s1600/Dylan+Doppleganger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgdPLu_S5ChUpCEPvdIk4hNyOsBctTdgCCLCMRPZhBFqA9U1MEWHML4C5Fd5vajr53Q0jovXEqGDZgm93G1NH6xozjGrEonL0qvdovXcZgjHiOMRxG0RoWBDDZ8hTteMcNETEgUysNq2ih/s320/Dylan+Doppleganger.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Devastating.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Ever since, they've kept this kid locked up in the sound booth while Dylan eats his lunch and gets to be a boss, swaggering around with the mic taking questions from the hot interns from the Heritage Foundation (Heritage Hotties?? TM).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>Panelists:</b></span><br />
This wasn't actually a panel, but a lecture by this guy who looked and sounded like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and dressed like Dwight Schrute:<br />
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<b>Best Audience Member:</b><br />
No contest. This dude in front of me with the leather vest over his button down:<br />
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Totally hammed it up when he caught me taking a picture of him too, then pwned me by rubbing all his free food in my face. Touche sir:</div>
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<b><br /></b>
<b>Substantive Highlights:</b><br />
Allow me to briefly summarize this lecture: Everything we know about demographics is wrong. The world's population isn't growing at an unsustainable rate, we're making fewer babies than we need, and this very conveniently supports just about every conservative talking point. Entitlements make people live longer so there are too many old people. Taxes are too high so people cant afford kids. Everybody is having abortions, co-habitating too early and getting married too late, so there are no babies. Nevertheless, there's nothing government can do, obviously. Only more religion can solve this problem you guys, so get out of the abortion clinic, get your ass in church, and start making babies! (Not in church though, and only if you're straight and married). And no, this has nothing to do with evolution because that's made up.<br />
<br />
The real highlight of the event though was all the sexual innuendo this guy used when talking about different government attempts in other countries to encourage and incentivize people to have more kids. The crowd REALLY got a kick out of it. When the speaker said that Vladimir Putin was trying to get people to "make boom-boom for the motherland", the place went fucking NUTS! I thought the old guy next to me was gonna stroke out from laughter for sure. Do you get it?? Boom-boom! It means sex, you guys. Hilarious.<br />
<br />
Another great quote, in case you hadn't heard, was that "famine has been eradicated" and therefore can't be to blame for low birth rates. Great news, right?! Quit your whining and start making babies Somalia!<br />
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<a href="https://twitter.com/PanelCrasher" target="_blank">@PanelCrasher</a>Panel Crasherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187888038148183474noreply@blogger.com8